CLEVELAND'S LUNCH (1990)
Lyrics to ALL 18 Songs*
The Late News From
*words & music © Ken Lonnquist
1. Cleveland's Lunch
Of greasy spoons this old town has a bunch
Where people like to sit and talk and munch
But flies know more than all of us
The café you can place your turst
I know there’s always somethin’ buzzin’
Down at Cleveland’s Lunch
They sit beside you as you eat your brunch
And give the omelettes that special crunch
With flies it’s all unanimous
They think the food is fabulous
And that’s why there’s always somethin’ buzzin’
Down at Cleveland’s Lunch
Rod does the dishes, Bill sells the cheese
Betty takes the orders as neat as you please
Quent doesn the cookin’, lord yes, he does
When he ain’t in the back room catchin’ a buzz
Catchin’ a buzz…
When summertime is gone, the very last fly
Well, he lays down on the Clevelnad’s counter to die
Oh, he don’t mean to cause a fuss
But heaven ain’t as glorious
And that’s why there’s always somethin’ buzzin’
Down at Cleveland’s Lunch
Rod does the dishes, Bill sells the cheese
Betty takes the orders as neat as you please
Quent doesn the cookin’, lord yes, he does
When he ain’t in the back room catchin’ a buzz
Catchin’ a buzz…
When summertime is gone, the very last fly
Well, he lays down on the Clevelnad’s counter to die
Oh, he don’t mean to cause a fuss
But heaven ain’t as glorious
And that’s why there’s always somethin’ buzzin’
Down at Cleveland’s Lunch
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2. Political Folk Song Mercenaries
We’re Political Folk Song Mercenaries
The topics we sing about are scary
We sing about wrongs that must be righted
We’re incredibly sensitive and far-sighted
We are no phony, our songs are all cool
We learned ‘em all at Folk Music School
We’re Political Folk Song Mercenaries
Our repertoire hardly ever varies
Poverty, War and Social Injustice
We’re on your side, so you can trust us
We are politically correct
Our motives are not the least bit suspect
We’re Political Folk Song Mercenaries
We believe the answer’s blowing in the breeze
If you need a folk-prophet, we’re willin’
And we won’t abandon you like Dylan
We’ll give you the answer you’re looking for
If you pay the cover-charge at the door
We’re Political Folk Song Mercenaries
We’re Political Folk Song Mercenaries
We’re Political Folk Song Mercenaries
Name your price!
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3. Already High
Don’t offer me no cigarettes, don’t give me alcohol
For me they would be of no use, they’ve no effect at all
I’ve had this strange affliction since the day that I was born
The wonderful sensation when I rise up every morn:
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I’m already high! I can’t tell you why
But as sure the sun’s shining in the sky
I’m already high! High as birdies can fly!
And I smile as this melody passes by
I know it sounds impossible, but I’m the living proof
That someone up in heaven must have made a cosmic good
Because I feel sensational, and if it wasn’t free
The cost of such a habit would mean certain bankruptcy!
I’m already high! I can’t tell you why
But as sure the sun’s shining in the sky
I’m already high! High as birdies can fly!
And I smile as this melody passes by
Don’t offer me no mushrooms, don’t offer me no pipe
The seed of highness long ago was planted, now it’s ripe
I’m eating from it’s fruit all day, imaginarily
And so my friends, I need no drugs! As you can plainly see:
I’m already high! I can’t tell you why
But as sure the sun’s shining in the sky
I’m already high! High as birdies can fly!
And I smile as this melody passes by
And I smile as this melody passes by
And I smile as this melody passes by
I’m already high!
Arriba!
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4. Pee Pee In jars
God bless America... that's what I say.
It's a land where there's always somebody who'll pay
For any old item that you may produce
If circumstance dictates it's practical use.
Now, I'm no inventor, I just go with the flow
But my product has me swimming in dough
'Cause I've learned no one wants
Any less than the best
When the government puts their pee pee to the test!
Pee pee in bottles and pee pee in jars
Mail orders coming from near and from far
A house in the suburbs and big shiny cars
And it's all bought and paid for with pee pee in jars!
For years I was poor... much too poor to buy drugs
While my friends smoked and snorted
And acted so smug
On the bottom-most rung of the financial ladder
I sat till I tapped this gold-mine in my bladder!
Pee pee in bottles and pee pee in jars
Mail orders coming from near and from far
A house in the suburbs and big shiny cars
And it's all bought and paid for with pee pee in jars!
Thanks to the government!
Thanks, Ron and Nancy!
Thank you for making drug users so antsy!
It used to be coke dealer's numbers they'd dial
But now I'm the one called to fill all their vials
As long as the drug users stay paranoid
They'll pay me cold cash every time that I void
So a fresh pot of coffee each morning I perk
Then I grab a good book and I sit down to work
Pee pee in bottles and pee pee in jars
Mail orders coming from near and from far
A house in the suburbs and big shiny cars
And it's all bought and paid for with pee pee in jars!
I've learned to like Reagan,
though once I was leery
But now I'm a part of his "Trickle-Down" theory
This great, golden fountain of wealth in my thighs
Is my niche in the system of free enterprise!
Pee pee in bottles and pee pee in jars
Mail orders coming from near and from far
A house in the suburbs and big shiny cars
And it's all bought and paid for with pee pee in jars!
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5. Svetlana
She was lookin' for a few good men
She knew where to locate them
Down at the U.S. Embassy
The uniformed security sang: Ooo - Svetlana!
You know how bad we Marine boys wanna - Svetlana!
She knew those boys in blue and brass
Just loved to watch her saunter past
And did their thinking, in the main,
With organs other than the brain, singin'
Ooo - Svetlana!
You know how bad we Marine boys wanna - Svetlana!
How they stiffened to attention
Straighter every time she'd mention
A clandestine rendezvous
Saying, "My love is just for you - and - you...
And anybody else who has a key!
Those Marines could not resist her line:
"You open your drawers, and I'll drop mine!"
In the Halls Of Montezuma
John Wayne's spinning 'round in his tomb, a-singin'
Ooo - Svetlana!
You know how bad we Marine boys wanna - Svetlana!
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6. KYAGB Polka
Oh, I don’t care if they say there’s no nuclear threat
The way that things are goin’, looks like a sure bet
So here’s my suggestion, if the rockets fly:
Might as well bend over, and kiss your ass goodbye!
Oh, kiss your, kiss your, kiss your ass goodbye!
Kiss your, kiss your, kiss your ass goodbye!
If the bombs start dropping from the sky
You might as well bend over,
And kiss your ass goodbye!
Reagan’s got lasers and gizmo-beams galore
And who knows what surprises he has left in store?
He says they’ll protect us if zero-hour comes nigh
I say just bend over, and kiss your ass goodbye!
Oh, kiss your, kiss your, kiss your ass goodbye!
Everybody polka!
Kiss your, kiss your, kiss your ass goodbye!
Might as well be dancing!
If the bombs start dropping from the sky
You might as well bend over,
And kiss your ass goodbye!
Here comes the audience participation part:
10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…
Ron was just kidding, everybody!
He’s got the MX missle and the Pershing II
He’s got the Cruise in Euerope,
That’s good for me and you!
Those bombs are “deterrents”.
They’re never gonna fly!
I say just bend over and kiss your ass goodbye!
Goodbye!
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7. Broccoli
Listen carefully, boys and girls
My tale will make your toenails curl
It's about the leader of the free world
Who wouldn't eat his broccoli
His mother told him when he was small
He'd never get any respect at all
If he always whined and bawled
And wouldn't eat his broccoli
His Doctor said he'd look sickly and thin
His Dentists said it would twist his grin
And he'd have to wear glasses with dorky rims
'Cause he didn't eat his broccoli
It's true! It's true! It happened to George, it could happen to you!
You will see: You've got to eat your broccoli!
His teacher said he would not remember
That Pearl Harbor was bombed in December
He'd say someday it occurred in September
'Cause he didn't eat his broccoli
His speech coach worried he'd sound like a simp
His gestures would look silly and limp
And politically he'd be branded a wimp
'Cause he didn't eat his broccoli
It's true! It's true! It happened to George, it could happen to you!
You will see: You've got to eat your broccoli!
And if ever he ran for Head of State
He'd choose a chump for a running mate
He'd be doomed to pick someone seventh rate
'Cause he didn't eat his broccoli
It's true! It's true! It happened to George, it could happen to you!
You will see: You'd better eat your broccoli… or you could end up just like he!
8. Lament For Elvis
Elvis Presley... Elvis, you've
Been dead so many years
In the end it looked like you
Had too many beers
Qualudes and barbituates
With them you were filled
And your jumpsuits fit too tight
Now, they always will
For I've heard they've had you stuffed
And you're on display
With your sequins glittering bright
Down in Graceland, they
Might as well, the way they sell
you shamelessly, the swill
They sell the soul of rock 'n roll
For a dollar bill
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9. Shirley
I had an out-of-body experience
I woke up and I wasn’t even there
Instead I was in someone else’s body
A Californian with reddish hair
She was what you might call really cosmic
Far out to the max, and other-worldly
Someone from the bedroom called her name out
That was when I knew I was in Shirley!
Her friend was looking at me very strangely
I didn’t know his name and couldn’t bluff
He was burning incense in the bedroom
I was lighting candles in the buff
Suddenly it dawned on me: if I was
I Shirley’s body, she must be in mine…
Back in the Midwest, doing all my talking!
My friends would think I’d flipped for good this time!
I was in her body ---- it was heaven!
She really had me underneath her skin
I’d never worn brassieres or women’s undies
(But having tried it once, I will again!)
I’d never been with someone so completely
We came together on a higher plain
How can I handle this phenomenon discreetly?
I even sign my name Shirley MacLane!
My friends read every one of her best-sellers
But they won’t believe that Shirl and I are one
Although I’m babbling constantly about the Incas
And I’m keeping watch at night for aliens
They say, “Cut it out! You’re gonna shame us!
Throw those runes and Tarot cards away!
They’re all right if you’re flaky, rich and famous
But in the Midwest people just don’t act that way!”
I was in her body ---- it was heaven!
She really had me underneath her skin
I’d never worn brassieres or women’s undies
(But having tried it once, I will again!)
I’d never been with someone so completely
We came together on a higher plain
How can I handle this phenomenon discreetly?
I even sign my name Shirley MacLane!
Shirley… Shi-I-irley…
A boy named Shirley…
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10. Love Without Hair
Oh, the winter of my hairline's great recession
Brought the springtime when I lost the love of you
And now that all the autumn leaves are falling
I find that all my hair is falling, too...
Perhaps it is the silliest equation
To say that love's proportional to hair
But when my last true follicle has fallen
Will I wake to find no true love with me there?
Would a toupee or a hairpiece just bring false love?
Would a transplant bring a love from who-knows-where?
Oh, Cupid---you ain't got much---can't you tell me, please...
Please---is there love without hair?
11. Coconut Song
In the northland you can go shopping
The weather forty below
As you're pushing your grocery cart
Then a tropic fever will grow
Ripe bananas from old Havana
Papayas, mangoes and such
Whisper to you with island voodoo
And then you spy: the coconut!
When the juice of the coconut calls out
When the juice of the coconut calls out
When the juice of the coconut calls out
Can't resist the call of the coconut!
Down at "Woodman's" is where the good ones
Wait patiently in the aisle
Dark and brown they just sit around
With their hidden coconut smiles
"I have been where you haven't been..."
You can hear them saying as much!
"Split my seam---there's a tropic dream
Waiting when you try: the coconut!"
When the juice of the coconut calls out
When the juice of the coconut calls out
When the juice of the coconut calls out
Can't resist the call of the coconut!
As you're swaying, others are saying:
"I think he's had too much beer.
Dancing nude 'round the tropic food
In the coldest month of the year!"
But how could they know you couldn't say no
To the cosmic coconut touch?
Innocent till you caught the scent
Of the tropics from: the coconut!
When the juice of the coconut calls out
When the juice of the coconut calls out
When the juice of the coconut calls out
Can't resist the call of the coconut! Ya-hey!
12. Littlest Jingle Bell
There was an old jingle bell store
Selling jingly bells galore
Some big, some tiny, some in-between
So many jingle bells, you've never seen!
In the holiday Yuletide season
Bells were selling for just one reason:
To ring out loud,and clear and sweet
Old Santa and his Elves to great!
Santa and his Elves to great!
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But the shopkeeper couldn't sell the littlest jingle bell
he tried and tried, but no one fell for the littlest jingle bell
Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring!
Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring!
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Oh, the littlest bell was lying
On a shelf all alone and crying
For Christmas Eve was drawing near
And he sniffed, "I don't want to spend it here!"
All the other bells were a-ringing
In the homes of good people singing
Loud and clear and full of cheer
in the happiest Yuletide time of year!
The happiest Yuletide time of year!
But the shopkeeper couldn't sell the littlest jingle bell
he tried and tried, but no one fell for the littlest jingle bell
Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring!
Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring!
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Now just az the shop was closing
Who would you be supposing
Came knocking on this door to say
"I need a jingle bell for my sleigh"?
That's right! It was Santa trying
To ready his sleigh for flying
But the shopkeeper said, "I've sold them all -
There's only one left, an it's too small!"
There's only one left, an it's too small!
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It's too tiny - no one will buy it -
There's no reason to even try it.
But Santa said, "I'd like to hear..."
And he lifted the bell up to his ear
And the littlest bell just jingled
With it's merriest ring-ring-ringle
And the old Elf laughed and winked and called:
"Hmmm... you're right. This jingle bell's too small."
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"Ho, ho, ho! Just kidding everyone!"
The old Elf laughed and winked to say:
"This bell's just perfect for my sleigh!
Wrap it up! Merry Christmas!
Ho, ho, ho!"
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13. Preacherrs On Parade
I’ve abandoned “All My Children”,
I’ve switched off “The Guiding Light”
There’s a new soap so darned nasty
it’s beyond “The Edge Of Night”
Sex and drugs and blackmail
other soaps may promenade
But they can’t hold a scandal
to The Preachers On Parade
I’m gonna live a cleaner life!
I’m switching off the soaps!
God’s much more intriguing
now he’s hired all these dopes
With pompadours and microphones
and fervent, wiggling hips
Whose steady flow of “Send your dough!”
slithers from their lips
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Oral heard the oracle,
the oracle did say:
“Oral send eight million
by April Fools Day!
And Oral, if you blow it,
God’ll sure be vexed
So get your wallets out, my friends,
and we’ll lick Oral’s hex!
I’ve abandoned “All My Children”,
I’ve switched off “The Guiding Light”
There’s a new soap so darned nasty
it’s beyond “The Edge Of Night”
Sex and drugs and blackmail
other soaps may promenade
But they can’t hold a scandal
to The Preachers On Parade
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Ooh, that hallelujah halo
that they beam across the wire
Casts a circle of Dark Shadows,
it’s a burnin’ ring of fire
They scurry to the no-tell motels
where, behind closed doors
They do the laying-on of hands
(and just a wee bit more)
Tammy’s makeup’s runnin’,
Jimmy Baker’s in the Pen
Swaggert’s motel mission-work
is startin’ up again
He’s leadin’ prostitutes to God,
while tuned-in baffled souls
Keep financing a holy host
of drugs, sex, rock and roll
So let those Christian cathode-rays
replace your rays of hope
Televangelism offers
God and sex and dope
After all, the deity
they worship is the dollar
And greed’s the reason for
this dirty ring around the collar
I’ve abandoned “All My Children”,
I’ve switched off “The Guiding Light”
There’s a new soap so darned nasty
it’s beyond “The Edge Of Night”
Sex and drugs and blackmail
other soaps may promenade
But they can’t hold a scandal
to The Preachers On Parade
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14. Teeny Weeny Peeny
Well, his Mama cried when she first held her son
'Cause she knew a life of trouble wax to come
Oh, it was plain to see - her boy was born to be
A big, strong, man with a teeny weeny teeny
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Before his birth, his Daddy disappeared
Too chicken-shit to help his boy get reared
He was forced to split the scene - by something in his genes
He was a big, strong, man with a teeny weeny teeny
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He badgered boys and bullied girls in turn
Afraid his awful secret might be learned
He shared his Daddy's trait - of tryin' to overcompensate
For bein' a big, strong, man with a teeny weeny teeny
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Still, the boy grew strong in every way but two -
His teeny weeny, and his attitude
He had muscles big and hard - except in one regard
He was a big, strong, man with a teeny weeny teeny
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He hit the singles bars at night
His gold chain caught the Disco lights
A pained expression as he danced
With a tube-sock shifting in his pants
He learned the macho pick-up lines
That worked on women every time
Who thought all men were macho-meanies
And all had short, sad, teeny weeny peenys
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So if you meet a man who acts Neanderthal
Remember that his problem may be small
Just look him in the eyes - and say you sympathize
'Cause he's a big, strong, man with a teeny weeny teeny
Yes, say you sympathize - 'cause you've known men just his size
- well... maybe not that small!
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15. Black Toast
All God’s children got the things they like
Some go for fast cars and motor-bikes
Some go for romance from the wrong side of the track
But I’m a guy who likes my toast, and I like it black
Just like my coffee and my hat… I like my toast black
I often wander down to Cleveland’s Lunch
He knows how I like my toast. He makes it crunch.
Here comes the man with the bottle in the sack
He’s a guy who likes his toast sooty-black
Just like his little kitty-cat… he likes his toast black
Now, some of you may like your toast golden brown
But if you cook mine that way, I won’t hang around
Singe it on the edges, then you’re right on track
‘Cause I’m a guy who likes my toast coal-black
Just like them high-speed cadillacs, I like my toast black
Black is the color of my true love’s toast
‘Cause that’s the way that I like it the most
I don’t give a damn about the color of her hair
As long as she can burn my toast beyond compare
Just like my coffee and my hat…
Just like my little kitty-cat…
I ain’t gonna take it back, I like my toast black!
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16. Cannibal Can-Can
I asked my Daddy last week, “Hey, Daddy, why don’t you
Come for dinner one night? I’ll make the family stew!”
So my Daddy showed up with his appetite
But little did he know (until I gave him a bite)
We’d be doin’ the Cannibal Can Can
Like only cannibals can
Doin’ the Cannibal Can C-Can Can Can
If you’re hungry, take me by the hand
When the meal is served and they say the grace
You pray the dish they pass ain’t a familiar face
But you never know until the fire is hot
Who’ll be stirrin’ the spoon and who’ll be in the pot
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Doin’ the Cannibal Can Can
Like only cannibals can
Doin’ the Cannibal Can C-Can Can Can
If you’re hungry, take me by the hand
The cookin’ class of life can be a raw deal
One night they make you Chef, next night they make you the meal
When your back is turned they change the menu
Voila! The meal tonight is shish-ke-bob de vous!
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17. Juanie
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Way down in Jamaica, next to Kingston town
There lived a reggae boy who could really get down
In a little grass hut made of bamboo sticks
He'd sit beneath the palm trees playing guitar licks
He never learned to read or write or spell so well
But he could play the guitar just like a coconut shell
Go, go---go, Juanie, go! Go! Go, Juanie, go! Go!
Go, Juanie, go, go! Go, Juanie, go, go!
Juanie, be bueno...